March 26, 2009

Why is it women tend to feel guilty? About small things, big things, silly things, un-deserved as well as deserved things. I feel like such an inadequate mom lately. I get frustrated with my kids easily. I tend to hold a grudge so after I become angered, I just KEEP getting angrier until I feel I could explode. I have always admired that about my husband. Even if he gets mad at the kids, yells at them or gets upset with them, he is great at turning around and giving them a big kiss or "I love you." Not me. It just festers inside me the rest of the day. Even if I want to get rid of it, I can't. I just can't seem to move on. Until the next day. Each day is a new one. A fresh start. But somehow I always tend to lose it fairly early. I just want those days to be mine. MINE. For keeps. Mine to enjoy and love and laugh. Not be angry or frustrated or upset. My kids often say, "You're mad at me!" And I say "No, I'm not mad, just frustrated." So Peyton will say, "What's the difference?" That's a good question. What is the difference? Why once I'm on the edge, does it just keep getting worse? Why can't I just laugh and move on? That will be my goal to work on. I really need to focus on positive energy. I need to release the negative in my life and move on. I need to focus on the joys and the things that really make me happy. So what does really make me happy, anyway? I don't seem to remember. There's always something to do, somewhere to go, things that can't wait--even if they can. I need to start again. Start loving. Stop hating. Start enjoying. Start feeling. Start living. And I will.... starting NOW!